By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC
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| Dr. Pat |
Question:
I know I should be looking forward to Christmas with my husband and children. My son (age one) and daughter (age four) are
very excited about Christmas, but instead I just think of Christmas with dread. I had a difficult childhood but for the rest
of the year I feel pretty well adjusted and happy most of the time. Last year I found Christmas difficult and I worry that
this year will be much worse. On top of this I feel guilty that I may ruin my children's Christmas because I don't share their
excitement.
Dr. Pat responds:
Christmas depression is well known. It is not clear how many people are affected.
Several things may trigger Christmas depression:
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lack of sunlight
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memories of difficult times in one's past
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excessive demands of Christmas
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excessive expectations to have a perfect Christmas
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losses that are noticed at Christmas
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holding on to past slights
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too much alcohol or eating
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too little sleep and exercise
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gatherings where people argue
Lack of sunlight
The winter solstice, the shortest day of the year, occurs near Christmas. The lack of light will trigger depression in some
people. This is called Seasonal Affective Disorder and can be treated by increasing exposure to light. The easiest way to
do this is to get outside and take a walk during the day when it is light. Even 20 minutes of walking can be very helpful.
Often, busy schedules mean that the only time we are outside is when it is dark. Light therapy or antidepressant medication
may also help.
Difficult memories
Memories of difficult times in the past could be interfereing with your ability to enjoy Christmas. Maybe Christmas is when
a father started drinking heavily. Or maybe Christmas was the occasion for arguments. It is normal to try and forget bad Christmases
from one's childhood.
Avoiding thinking about the past will cause problems. Some people find it very helpful to write down what they experienced.
Or find a friend who will listen without interrupting. You can face the ghosts from Christmas past. Facing them will help
put them to rest.
Excessive demands or expectations
Many people, especially moms, have unrealistic demands placed on them at Christmas. Sometimes these demands are self-imposed.
Sometimes family or friends may demand too much.
The need to have everything perfect is a huge expectation. Be realistic. Be gentle on yourself. Aim to get a few things done
and let go of unrealistic demands. Decide on the two or three things that matter most to you about Christmas.
If you aim for, or have to have, a perfect Christmas, you will drive yourself to misery. If we have realistic expectations
about Christmas, we are more able to enjoy the little things.
Losses
Loved ones who have died or relationships that have been broken are often remembered at Christmas. Don't try and push these
sad feelings from your mind. It won't work. It is OK to reminisce about losses. Maybe spending 20 or 30 minutes a day to deliberately
think about them and reminisce may help.
Past slights
For many, there are remembered problems that come up at Christmas. Maybe it is the rude way someone behaved or the fact that
a present was not appreciated. If you can let go of the problem and put it in the past, you will be able to start fresh.
Too much alcohol or eating
Unfortunately, with all the Christmas parties, it is easy for people to overindulge. If you are feeling low, avoid anything
more than a minimum amount of alcohol. It is a depressant. Alcohol also interferes with sleeping well.
Maybe it is a spouse or relative who drinks or eats too much at Christmas. Can you calmly and quietly discuss this with him
or her before it happens? "Uncle Jim, we really like to have you over at Christmas, but I don't want the kids to see you drunk.
We are going to serve non-alcoholic punch." It may help to talk with your children about a problem like this beforehand: "Uncle
Jim may drink too much. We will talk about it after he leaves."
Eating in moderation will not only help the waistline, it will also help your mood and your sleeping. Eating small amounts
of Christmas goodies is fine. Don't deprive yourself of everything.
Too little sleep
Sleep is one of the most under-rated aspects of life. Most of us are constantly sleep deprived. Sleep deprivation can also
trigger weight gain. Getting a good night's sleep will really make a difference.
Arguments
If there is a gathering where you know there will be arguments and hard feelings, try to figure out how to manage it. Maybe
you can stay clear of the two who are feuding. Don't feel you have to solve other peoples' problems. Don't get drawn in as
a peacemaker, unless there is a good chance it will work.
The bottom line
Take time for small things over the holidays. Play with your children. You may not be able to change the behaviour of others
around you, but really noticing the small things that make you happy during Christmas will help with sadness.
In summary, I would encourage you to try to reduce Christmas stress. Talk to your husband about how he can help. Focus on
taking good care of yourself so that you can help your family enjoy Christmas.
I have confidence that you will be able to manage. Even if you don't really enjoy this Christmas, you can still give your
children a good Christmas. It is unlikely that you will ruin your children's Christmas memories despite the things that make
you sad or stress you.
