What can I do if I suspect that my daughter is in an abusive relationship?

By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC

Question:

My 17-year-old daughter has a boyfriend who does not treat her well. I don't think he hits her but he is very jealous and controlling. He tells her she is too fat. She is not at all overweight. Sometimes he is really nice to her. She has talked to me about this and I have tried to point out some of the negative things about continuing to see him. Her school work is suffering and she is moody. Why does this wonderful young woman put up with this creep? What can I do? Should I forbid her from seeing him?

Dr. Pat responds:

It is a mystery to those who have not been in that situation, why otherwise sensible and competent women (and sometimes men) put up with psychological abuse from their partners. And certainly, your daughter's boyfriend is psychologically abusing her. She is also at risk for physical abuse as well.

There may be several reasons for her continuing to see him:

• She may think she can change his behaviour with her love and patience.
• She may be hooked by his inconsistent behaviour. He may have trained her to persist in trying because just when she is about to give up, he is nice to her.
• She may feel that if she breaks up with him, she will not have another boyfriend and be lonely and unhappy forever.
• She may be afraid of what he will do if she breaks up with him.

Obviously, your daughter feels comfortable talking to you. She respects your opinion and feels you are a source of help for her in a difficult situation. Your relationship with her is extremely helpful for her.

The ideal situation would be that she dumps him, but that is not going to be an easy decision for her.

I would suggest that you try to severely limit your criticism of her boyfriend. It may drive her into his arms. It is much better if she realizes on her own what her staying with him will do. Rather, you could ask questions like:

• What type of relationship would you like to have?
• How does he make you feel?
• What do your friends think of him?
• Does he think of what is best for you?
• Does he trust you?
• What are your hopes for the future?
• Do you think he will give you what you want?
• Is he encouraging you to fulfill your potential?
• What type of relationship would you like your sister or best friend to have?

I don't know your daughter or your family. Before you forbid her from seeing him, think of what would likely happen. Would she:

• see him anyway?
• resent you telling her how to run her life?
• turn against you?

Or perhaps, would your forbidding her, help her stop seeing him?

Be sure she knows you love her and you want the best for her. Don't let her boyfriend cut her off from you. Try very hard to keep up your relationship and your communication with her. Spend time with her. Teenagers need their parents as much as younger children.

There is no easy answer to the problem, but in the long run your love and support will help your daughter understand her situation. It will help her do what is best for her.

Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. Read more "Ask Dr. Pat" columns Ask Dr. Pat a question