My friend uses bed as a threat to her son. Will this affect how he feels about bed in the long term?

By Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC

Dr. Pat

Question:

A friend says "Do you want to go to bed?" to her son when he misbehaves. She repeats the threat until he stops crying and promises to be good. Will this threat have long-term results on the child's feeling about his bed?

We would not interfere unless she was physically abusive. But maybe I will show your answer to her.

Dr. Pat responds:

It is difficult to know what will cause a negative association. Some children develop fears and anxieties easily. Others are very resistant to developing anxiety or negative feelings. This may be hard-wired in the child’s nervous system.

Most children who have cuddles and are read stories in bed, would probably be fine. Some children who are very sensitive might develop a fear of bedtime.

The most important thing in the long-term success of kids is the entire life experience. Seldom does one thing (except perhaps abuse) cause a child serious problems.

Repeated threats to children are usually not effective. It is much better to give a warning and tell the consequence. We often call these “If-then” statements: “If you continue to yell, then you will have to go to your room to calm down.” Then, of course, the adult has to make it happen.

When parents repeatedly warn or threaten children, children learn to ignore them. I call it parent-deafness.

But you are right not to lecture your friend. Support her. We all need to pitch in and help raise the kids in our community.

Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. Read more "Ask Dr. Pat" columns Ask Dr. Pat a question