How can I get my eight-year-old to stop throwing tantrums when it is time to leave?

By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC

Question:

My strong-willed eight-year-old son refuses to leave stores, people's homes, and fun activities without a tantrum. What can I do to make him come with me without causing a scene?

Dr. Pat responds:

Children, like the rest of us, are trying to figure out how to get what they want. Ask yourself, "Have I given in to him in the past?" Do you stay longer when he puts up a fight? It sounds like he is bullying you. It will only get worse if you don't deal with these tantrums.

Sit down with your son to develop a plan. Your son should help in making up the plan for how he can leave places without a temper tantrum. Give the plan a name such as "Operation Easy Escape." He may at first refuse to co-operate. Don't give up.

Make sure he understands that you expect him to follow the plan.

Rehearse what he will do three or four times over a few days. "OK, now when it is time to go from the store, let's practice Operation Easy Escape." Make it a positive experience, but be very firm and clear in your expectations.

Have a negative consequence for him having a temper tantrum when out. It should be strong enough to make a difference. You must be willing to follow through. Have a positive consequence for him successfully executing "Operation Easy Escape." But make sure it is given only after "Operation Easy Escape" is successful.

Rehearse just before you go out. Be firm but positive.

Set up a phoney excursion to a store or to a friend's place. If it is a friend's place let your friend know that it is a set-up to help your son learn to leave without a temper tantrum. If it is a store, choose one where you don't care if he makes a scene.

Tell him you are going to stay only 10 minutes. Let him know when it is one minute before it is time to leave. Remind him of his "Operation Easy Escape" plan. Then leave with him.

If he starts to have a tantrum, remind him of "Operation Easy Escape." If he doesn't respond immediately, remove him, even if it is a major scene. Make sure he gets his consequence.

You may have to repeat the practicing and the set-up activities a half-dozen or more times over a few weeks. He will eventually learn to control his feelings. And he will learn he cannot bully you.

If he is so strong as to be a danger to himself or to you, bring some backup with you (a friend, his dad, his uncle). Make sure the backup knows about the plan and will help you. Make sure you are able to remove him safely. Don't go out with him if you cannot be safe.

Remember, it will take you both some time to get used to this new way. Be firm and consistent. Don't give up! His future depends on it.

The elements of discipline: warmth and expectations

Psychologists have found that there are two dimensions to parental discipline: warmth and expectations. Parents get into problems when they confuse the two.

No child can get too much affection and warmth. Caring for your child will never spoil them or cause any problems. Children need all the love they can get. They need our attention.

Coldness, harshness, and hostility cause fear, anxiety, hostility, and resentment.

Warmth is not the same as low expectations. Children need high expectations that they can meet. By not expecting children to behave, to learn, and to contribute, we rob them of the chance of success. High standards are good for our kids. We have to set the standards and enforce them.